I cried again last night, in the privacy of my car where no one or nothing could hear me, where I let out great sobs and tears that never seem to stop.

Where again I screamed for someone to help me, to take the hurt and pain away, to turn back time and make it all better.

It was then, in the midst of my tears thatI finally realized, and maybe for the first time, that this was the turn my life had taken, and that I was fully responsible for that.

My choices made my consequences... no one elses, just mine. Yes there were circumstances that helped me make those choices, but ultimatley they are mine to own.

So I now come to the place where I ponder what do I do now? How do I accept my choices and be alright with them. How do I change the way I feel and the way I act in certain circumstances. So many hows and never enough answers... again I am feeling helpless and lost, but now it is for different reasons.

I suppose it is a learning process, learning to live without my children, learning how to live as the every second weekend Mom, learning how to be ok with the situation, learning how not to blame myself...... learning how to live again the way things are.

I have spent the better of three years feeling sorry for myself and becoming a door mat for just about everyone in my life, cause it was easier than standing up for myself and pretending that I was actually worth something.

Problem is I am not sure if I am strong enough to do that. Being helpless and sad was so much easier, that I knew how to do...this not so much.